so i called him today to find out when he could help me pay HIS BILLS. *not like alimony or anything* he blah blah blahed about it, and I asked him to pick up some shit of of my house and he gets all pissed at me, as if someone its MY fault that he lives in a room for rent? He has the same options as anyone. He is so fucking lucky that I am paying our bills for him. THE NERVE of him to get mad at me. He quickly starts on the same line of insults from over a year ago. I sure don’t miss that. I sure don’t miss any of that. blah.
I really need to make a decision about my last name, it makes me cry even to think about it.
I want to order business cards. i need to embrace whatever name im going to choose. the laziest way it to keep my married name. i feel like im settling, but it really is easier.
I “graduated” from the oncology department today.
And earlier this month I stopped seeing my endocrinologist, and also my psychiatrist.
Now I only see one doctor, my primary.
It’s weird how I feel bittersweet about it. I don’t feel special anymore, or deserving of extra affection.
I miss being doted on, and treated special because if my illness. I got free flowers in the spring.
I know that’s stupid. I should be super excited to be cancer free.
I am feeling like I want to file for divorce finally. I don’t know what I am waiting for.
The money is an issue, but mostly I also know its going to hurt,
like pulling off a band-aid …x1000.
I fear the finality of it all.
I was in denial all those months when he lived here, and a little piece of me still hopes we could make it work. I also do not like the logistics and the financial decisions involved. I feel like I already got the rotten end of this deal, and I don’t want to pay any more than I have to.
july 23, 2011
sitting here watching a bad adam sandler movie,
she called my cat a lump
she & dean where messaging each other
from across the room.
I am mad at myself for letting it go on
as long as I did.
I stupidly thought that they would see,
what they were doing to me.